Miscarriage can be a trying and challenging time for couples. There is no ‘one way’ for navigating their path through an experience like this. In this article I have interviewed Tina Bakalla, a Demartini Facilitator, about Grief and Loss after Miscarriage to get her perspective on the issue and any useful information on how to cope.
Spring Fertility: Does everyone grieve after miscarriage?
Tina Bakalla: No.
Grief is a response to a belief that something is missing or having guilt that the miscarriage should not have happened.
If we have the perception that we should never miscarry then there may be guilt and grief.
If we have desperately been trying for a child and have a fantasy about how wonderful life will be when the child is born, then the grieving will be greater.
In the past many women forced themselves to miscarry after having so many children. The thought of having another ‘mouth to feed” was just too much to bear and so would find a way to miscarry.They may not have grieved (they may have been relieved).
Some cultures believe in reincarnation and karma. If there is a miscarriage the woman believes that it was gods will and the baby or she had karma. As this is an ingrained belief that she has been brought up with, she may see other women in her culture go through the same event and not get upset. Hence her reaction to her miscarriage is less intense that what women in the west suffer.
When I miscarried after 9 weeks pregnancy, I was sad, but then someone told me “most women miscarry at least once”… I suddenly felt better. My perception changed and I realised I was going through something “normal”.
Spring Fertility: What can grief after miscarriage look like? Is it obvious?
Tina Bakalla: It will depend on the person and how much they perceive themselves to be affected by it.
Feeling tired, foggy thoughts, not being able to focus, low immunity, anger.
There may be triggers that set if off the grief again eg baby clothes, baby smell, other women with children.
If the woman finds it hard to become pregnant her grieving may be more pronounced as she thinks it will take a long time to get pregnant again and she desperately wants her first child.
If the woman is older and did not want to be pregnant, because all her other children are grown up and left the nest and she is looking forward to a her new life, then she may not grieve at all.
Spring Fertility: What are things that can help someone after the loss of a baby?
Tina Bakalla: They will be quite deep in grief, which mean that they are not copying with the idea of not of having a baby and not being a mother. By staying in grief we are telling our bodies we do not want to get pregnant again.
So the quicker they get through it the sooner they heal.
The method I use, encompasses the universal law the nothing is ever missing, it transforms.
It is not an easy one, two, three step process. I take them through a deep transformational process to balance out their thoughts..
I ask them to list something they think they are missing about not having the baby and show them how it has transformed. For example, they will miss holding the baby, smelling or feeding the back. I show them how these desires have transformed and in what form they now take.
It’s a deep process of reprogramming the brain. Once they see how the loss has transformed, their perception changes and releases love, relief and gratitude.
Spring Fertility: Is there a difference in the grief between an early miscarriages or after 12 weeks or even stillbirth?
Tina Bakalla: Again it will depend upon the person and their perception of their pregnancy and their expectation.
Spring Fertility: Why is miscarriage not talked about often? Do you think it’s become taboo?
Tina Bakalla: Yes it is taboo. We do not teach young adults about miscarriage, what it is, why it happened or what to expect or how to handle it. This is because it is related to death and our society does not like to accept death as part of life.
Everyone gets so excited about pregnancy but do not know what to say or do when a miscarriage takes place.
There is a perception that miscarriage should not happen.
Miscarriage is a fact of life, it has always happened and will always happen. Many women miscarry without even knowing it.
We need to reprogram our society to not get so excited about pregnancy and not get so unhappy about miscarriage. To have a balanced view of life and death, to have no blame and no shame. To know that it is ok to miscarry, ok to talk about it and ok to be upset or not be upset.
That is quite powerful, Tina. Thankyou so much for sharing your knowledge and experience with us in discussing an important issue for couples trying to conceive or have children but have also experienced the loss of a pregnancy. Tina Bakalla is a Demartini Method Facilitator, practising on Sydney’s Northern Beaches. To learn more about Tina and how she works click here or contact her at firstname.lastname@example.org